Chemstories – a podcast about PnP/chemsex (English-language edition)

Bonus. YYZ Wisdom-Pt. 4 — Velvet Mourning

In this bonus leg of the Wisdom flight, the conversation turns to the "velvet mourning" of widowhood. Matthew discusses the tragic loss of his partner to an overdose, while Reid recounts the isolation of grieving a partner of nine years who had never come out to his family—resulting in the erasure of their relationship at the funeral. The discussion explores navigating cumulative grief, from the AIDS crisis to the present, and how they find spiritual grounding. They conclude by reflecting on the necessity of boundaries and why disconnecting from the "using" community was vital for their well-being. 
 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 
 
🔗 Other Resources Mentioned 
"George Street": To read the full text of Matthew's poem.

11. YYZ Integrity-Pt. 1 — Hey Christoph, Edwin, & Tyler

Toronto host Bradley welcomes Christoph, Edwin, and Tyler—who together boast a combined 122 years of lived experience with drugs. They unpack the local lexicon, debating the clinical term "chemsex" versus the community-preferred "party," and discuss the subtle ways ("the look") they recognize other community members. The group reflects on diverse origin stories—from liberating first experiences in the rave scene to using substances as a shield against trauma. The conversation challenges sensationalized narratives, exploring how drug use has served as a tool for profound shifts in perspective, sometimes making them kinder or more self-aware, while acknowledging the inherent risks. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 

12. YYZ Integrity-Pt. 2 — The High Life

The conversation dives deep into the hierarchies and double standards within the party community—specifically the stigma surrounding "slamming" (injecting) versus smoking or snorting. Edwin introduces the concept of the "street nurse" or "admin"—a role he plays to ensure safety and aftercare for others—while the group debates the ethics of intervening when a fellow partier is struggling. They also tackle the internal work required to maintain integrity while using, discussing strategies like taking significant breaks to rediscover hobbies or refusing to keep supplies at home. Ultimately, the episode underscores that while drugs may be part of a history, they do not define a person's humanity. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 

13. YYZ Integrity-Pt. 3 — From Stigma to G-mance

The group redefines stigma as active oppression that creates borders within the community. They discuss the vital necessity of friendships to combat isolation, highlighting the importance of a non-judgmental "voice of reason." The group also explores the phenomenon of "G-mance," debating whether the intense affection felt while high is authentic or merely a chemical illusion. Ultimately, the episode underscores that despite complex boundaries, genuine care remains at the heart of their shared experience. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 

14. YUL Prelude — Why It’s important, Montreal

The inaugural YUL Montreal episode centers on the central question of this podcast series: Why is it important for people with lived experience of PnP/chemsex to tell their own stories in their own words? Principal investigator Olivier Ferlatte poses this to host Éric, who then gathers reflections from guests Hugues, Jean-Sébastien, Mikiki, Gabriel, Michael, and Ally.
Together, they illustrate why no single narrative can capture the complexity of chemsex. This conversation explores unfiltered storytelling, the politics of voice, and how representation challenges stigma. As a prelude to the season, it underscores how personal stories foster understanding, connection, and community.
If you’re looking for support related to chemsex, please check the list of available resources and services on the page: Chemsex resources/services.

15. YUL Solidarity-Pt.1 — Hey Eric

Olivier introduces Éric, a playwright and community advocate prominent in Montreal’s chemsex scene. Éric explains how his play, “Ces regards amoureux de garçons altérés”, captures the raw intensity of a 72-hour sauna session. Writing while active allowed him to portray the experience's complexity—not just the struggle, but the pleasure and the search for connection.
Éric also reflects on his decade-long journey to sobriety, viewing chemsex less as a problem and more as a "solution" to underlying issues at the time. He emphasizes that his past forced him to confront his truth, ultimately allowing him to be fully present for others today.If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 
 

16. YUL Solidarity-Pt.2 — Montreal PnP Community

Éric and Olivier discuss Montreal's unique party landscape, where "progressive" vibes and 24/7 bathhouses foster an openness to substance use. Éric critiques the city’s fragile support systems, highlighting a reliance on short-term funding rather than a permanent strategy for long-term recovery. 
Looking ahead, Éric previews upcoming panels on art and advocacy while candidly discussing the difficulty of finding trans and gender-diverse guests. He links this challenge to his own journey, revealing how recovery helped him embrace his non-binary identity after years of using drugs to escape rigid gender standards. The episode concludes with a call to move from fear toward compassion and action. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 
🔗 Other Resources Mentioned 
REZO: A Montreal-based community organization offering health and wellness services to gay, bisexual, cis, and trans men. 
CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous): Mentioned as a traditional 12-step recovery resource. 
CMA Montreal: Crystal Meth Anonymous Montreal
CRDM: Centre de réadaptation en dépendance de Montréal 
 

17. YUL Creativity-Pt. 1 — Hey Gabriel

Montreal host Éric introduces Gabriel, a fashion designer who transforms trauma into cathartic art. They discuss his graduate collection, "SØRRY MØM," which uses a flood metaphor to depict recovery from crystal meth. The designs progress from dark, suffocating silhouettes representing the "deep end" to lighter tones symbolizing the imperfect nature of healing. 
They also explore "HONEYCUM," which uses bee symbolism to address his HIV diagnosis. Gabriel reflects on the emotional intensity of sharing such vulnerable work on the runway, highlighting how creative expression serves as a vital tool for processing shame and finding purpose amidst struggle. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 
Browse Gabriel's Work: 
Gabriel's Linktree
"SØRRY MØM" Collection
"DEAR VICKY" Collection

18. YUL Creativity-Pt. 2 — Hey Mikiki

Montreal host Éric introduces performance artist Mikiki, whose journey from "baby anarchist" to queer health activist informs their provocative work. Mikiki discusses video as an anti-market medium for activism and how complex PTSD led them to prioritize art over traditional employment. 
They explore Mikiki’s video "Red Flags: A Love Letter," which reframes injection drug use through a neutral or positive lens. The conversation captures the communal reality of chemsex and the underground’s "glamour," framing creative expression as a survival strategy while navigating substance use. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services. 
Browse Mikiki's work: 
Mikiki's website 
Mikiki's "Red Flags: A Love Letter" for Visual AIDS
Untitled (00.002): Performance documentation on grief and loss
00.002 projection: Multi-channel video component from the performance: 
Behind-the-scenes of "Red Flags: A Love Letter" work: Instagram Reel 

19. YUL Creativity-Pt. 3 — The Trauma Llama

Éric, Gabriel, and Mikiki explore the tension between suffering and pleasure in chemsex, challenging the narrative that addiction stems solely from pain. They reflect on how substance use initially served as an "antidote" to perfectionism and trauma before spiraling into shame and isolation. 
The group discusses art's role in processing these experiences; Gabriel shares how his "DEAR VICKY" collection mourns his life before HIV while pivoting toward hope. Mikiki emphasizes curiosity over judgment and the value of humor. The episode concludes by urging listeners to embrace creative expression as a vital means of connection and survival. 
If you’re looking for support, please explore our list of Chemsex resources/services.